The Bullying Saga: A Happy Ending Results in Cautious Optimism

“Mrs. Cozzens,” said the principal, “I’d like you to know that your daughter just left my office [with those who bullied her], and they all appeared to be the best of friends.”

Sweet words to soothe the ears of a worried mother. But even though it feels like a happy ending to a nine-day period of turmoil, I remain cautiously optimistic regarding our daughter’s social experience at Sabino High School.

It was not a smooth nor easy path to get the bullies off her back and their rumors/comments off the Internet, and I’m certain that without our heavy-handed parental involvement, our daughter would still be coming home in tears.

Throughout the process both our daughters begged us to let it go. “You’re making it worse, Mom,” claimed my older daughter. “Please just stop. I want it all to stop,” moaned the younger, who for days seemed a mere fraction of her former self with slumped shoulders, glassy eyes and a furrowed brow.

It took strength and diligence—including four unreturned phone calls to the school and finally the need to re-explain and clarify the facts several times to the administrators so that THEY had the story straight—before we achieved the outcome we desired. We were very clear: we wanted the posts removed from Twitter, for the bullies to acknowledge their actions/violations, an apology to our daughter, and the promise that she would no longer be targeted.

The ultimate lesson we have learned is that it’s essential for parents to get involved in order to truly deal with the issue of bullying. The kids are terrified of not only reporting the offense, but also of sticking up for their bullied friends for fear of becoming targets themselves.

Bullying Policy Poster at Sabino

Meanwhile, administrators talk the talk. They hang posters, provide lectures, and emit the message that bullying won’t be tolerated; however, it was painfully clear to us that they still needed a little work/experience in dealing with bullying situations in order to transform them into positive outcomes.

The bullying policy at Sabino, for example, suggests that victims “keep talking until someone listens.” And “all reports of bullying will be held in the strictest confidence.”  We didn’t know that “keep talking” meant we’d have to repeatedly call the school and finally appeal to a higher-level administrator before we’d reach a satisfactory resolution. Nor did we understand how tricky it is to keep complaints confidential. Rumors spread in high schools as quickly as germs spread in daycare centers.

Know this: If your child is the victim of bullying, you must have PROOF before the administrators can or will fully deal with the situation. They will not verify allegations based on hearsay, rumor or gossip. If he or she is a victim of cyber-bullying, make copies of the Internet posts immediately. (We took screen shots of the Twitter pages). If they receive threatening texts or texts of a bullying nature, again take screen shots of the phone screen or request transcripts from the cell service. If a child is verbally harassed or assaulted on school grounds, secure credible witnesses who are brave enough to “testify” on behalf of your child.

Finally, do not believe the five most dangerous words when it comes to bullying: MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY. It won’t go away unless you identify the bully, expose the bully with credible proof, and stay on top of the situation until the victim is once again smiling, standing up straight, and cheerful about going to school in the morning.

We believe the outcome of our efforts has helped to teach our children a valuable lesson. They have both—especially the younger of the two girls—grown stronger, and even taller, because of it.

Happy girls on their way to school

Karma is a Beyotch?

Someone got the memo. The problem is HE didn’t understand it.

Ugh! It’s not bad enough I must deal with high school bullies? Do I really also have to deal with a 40-something year-old who hasn’t progressed beyond a Sabino High School mentality?

When I received a message regarding a Facebook post reaction to my blog about bullying, at first I scratched my head and felt my heartbeat race a little.  But that reaction was short-lived once I read his words because it was quite obvious that he had the intention of defending his own children. No one can fault a father for that. But  . . .

The following would have been a poignant, sympathetic story if it had been a true account of what happened some 16 months ago. Instead, it was just a sad and false recollection of what others involved know to be the truth.

Here’s what the misguided father wrote, verbatim, no editing:

I was reading a blog about a girl that was bullied and it made me sad, That should never happen, last year our daughter was bullied by 3 people at school. It was all over a sport, one she now does not want to play partly because of this abuse. She decided not to talk in classes she had with these kids, she changed her whole demeanor because of it, it almost cost her the 4.0+ GPA she had. We actually looked at different schools after she kept coming home in tears. I understand how hard it is for kids being bullied. Her brother tried to help and the parents of the abusers got mad that he stepped in to protect his little sister, I hear this persons older sibling tried to help, just what a sibling will do. It got so bad, I had to convince my daughter to continue on a team she hated, I even spoke to the dads of the bullies and begged for them to not speak to my daughter, though I am positive they tried it did not stop the abuse. I never would want this to occurr to anyone, NEVER, I see the damage it can do, and sometimes when it occurrs to your kids, hopefully you step back and look at your actions to see if you ever perpetuated anything like it. I hope it ends soon for her and I really wish it never had to happen and never has to happen to any person again, but I will close with one thing, Karma is a Beyoch! 

Within seconds of reading this passive aggressive bullshit, I felt like the only thing missing was a hashtag with my name attached. Then I laughed and mused aloud:  was one of 100s of readers of my blog “Bullies BEWARE,” actually motivated to cyber-bully me in return?

Sadly, yes. And I’m certain the irony of this post is a foreign concept to him. I mean really . . . His bottom line after this fake empathy is “Karma is a Beyoch?”

As I type I’m at a loss. How do I respond to this guy’s thinly veiled personal attack and publicly related distortion of history? Is it worth my time? All instincts urge me to ignore him; however, from what I’ve learned from my true friends and intelligent supporters over the past few days, I cannot let bullies get away with their antics.

I decided long ago that this particular person qualified not only as a bully, but also as someone who demonstrated inappropriate behavior toward my daughter and my family. It’s one reason why I deleted him from Facebook. But apparently, it hasn’t stopped him from stalking my blog.

So, just as I called attention to the high school boy who targeted my daughter on Twitter, I reluctantly post this blog with this message:

Listen up: Your Facebook post accuses my daughter (and others) of things they didn’t do. Your daughter clearly had a difficult time dealing with a sport and a coach last year. We were sympathetic and you know it. How dare you insinuate that it was our daughter’s fault?  Nor was it the doing of three people you reference as being bullies and abusers. What really happened is that your daughter, in the midst of her depression and self-imposed alienation, reported to you that three people “publicly humiliated” her one day in a classroom because she asked a question during a study session that had already been asked twice. Nearly EVERY student in the classroom sighed, wanting to move on rather than go over the same material. I verified it with the accused parties, and the teacher, who said there was NO public humiliation in his classroom. She may have felt humiliated for asking this question but no one put those feelings into her head. In spite of this, I was personally attacked while my daughter was accused of being responsible for your daughter’s fragile state-of-mind. It was very clear to us that you were all hurting and we were as supportive as we could possibly be. At your request our daughter left your daughter alone, and when they did have encounters, they were cordial and respectful to one another. Ultimately, later in the school year my daughter offered support and friendship to your daughter when she needed it—for which your daughter AND you were thankful.

Then you have the GALL to further cite an older sibling’s actions in defense of his sister as being admirable, and have the audacity to compare it to what happened with my children? Damn, is that ever skewed.

The truth is, this man’s son actually called my daughter (the so-called abuser) and viciously accused her of making prank phone calls to his sister. He shot first and asked questions later. My daughter did NOT make these calls and ALL parties involved acknowledged this.

I’m fairly certain the kids worked out their differences long ago; however, clearly the father holds onto a different version of the story. That he further chose to publicly mock my children and me by posting his reaction to my blog on Facebook and suggest we “step back and look at your actions to see if you ever perpetuated anything like it,” reeks of hypocrisy and perversion.

End note: I have obviously touched on a subject—bullying—that gets a lot of attention. In the seven years since my first blog post, the post entitled “Bullies BEWARE” has so-far recorded a record number of hits. This is an important issue for parents, kids and school administrators to address. My child continues to be terribly upset and is not happy at all about my involvement. She is a classic victim, who has been further singled out by several kids at school as being “over dramatic” and “making too much of this.” She just wishes it would all go away. We are trying to make that happen—and as the kids continue to suggest we’re making it worse by dealing with it—we can’t make it truly go away until we expose it and make the bullies see that THEY are the ones in the wrong. Not us.

Meanwhile one hundred percent of the comments and calls I’ve personally received have been genuinely supportive, sympathetic, loving and educational. I am especially grateful to the parents who have offered very useful advice and who know that my child’s situation at school has absolutely nothing to do with Karma.

It is my goal in return to be helpful to others who may be experiencing this sad and troubling situation as well. As unpleasant as it is, we have to expose the bullies and see to it that they don’t get away with their actions.

Bullies BEWARE

This is BE KIND week at Sabino High School. Given my daughter has come home in tears two days in a row so far this week, I don’t think it’s working. Apparently someone didn’t get the memo.

I’m fairly certain I don’t have the full story, but I’ve heard enough consistent accounts of what happened yesterday (and have seen/read the evidence) to feel confident in alleging that my daughter was a victim of cyber-bullying.

Someone tweeted an incriminating accusation about her, which was retweeted by several kids. Vehemently denying the accusation, she tried to find out why it was written and was met with a barrage of tweets further accusing her of “acting stupid” and/or “playing dumb,” and knowing exactly what it was all about. “Everyone knows the story . . .”

At mid-day her older sister got involved, telling the Tweeter to stop. But the tweets continued: “When people you confront won’t fight their own battles and tell their family.” And going back-and-forth with his minions, “But it’s to the point where all of her friends think she's going overboard and making herself look bad.” To which some snotty chick replied, “hahahaha her “friends.”

When the tweeter finally confronted her face-to-face, she wanted nothing to do with him. She therefore put her head down on her classroom desk and cried. For this she was accused (on Twitter, of course) of being “immature” and a drama queen, and making too much of all of it.

Listen up bully! This young girl simply doesn’t have the tools to face this kind of adversity and know how to handle it. She’s not as strong as you, which is why you have picked her as your victim. Try to understand that when a girl puts her head down and cries, and asks to be left alone, it is NOT your cue to amp up the pressure.

Apparently there was a substitute teacher in the class, who was oblivious to the crying 14 year-old. The sub didn’t intervene. But when MY kid comes home crying, you better trust her mom and dad are getting involved. 

The bully got wind of this and then tweeted: “She told her dad and now I’m straight pissed.” 

Here’s something else you don’t understand, big, bad-bully: Our knowledge of this situation has mortified our daughter. She doesn’t want her parents involved in any way. She isn’t the one that made too much of it. WE DID. And she doesn’t want this incident reported. She doesn’t want to be “that girl.”

But DAMN IT TO HELL this makes me furious! Isn’t this the definition of BULLYING!!!!????? My kid is so broken down and intimidated by the situation that the bully wins. The bully gets away with his actions. He even went in the OPPOSITE direction when asked to stop.

What, I ask, is the consequence of all this beyond my daughter’s humiliation and defeat?

Last week I spoke with a friend whose daughter experienced straight up bullying—apparently girl-on-girl because of jealousy over a boy. It wasn’t the first time she experienced this. The mom attempted to report it in the past, however, the school counselor couldn't do anything about it because he said she didn’t have enough proof. So, OF COURSE it continued to happen.

It’s different with cyber bullying, because one can make copies of the written/published words. And I did. The next step, and this was my daughter’s idea, was for her to deactivate her Twitter account.  And she did.

But then the bully resorted to texting her directly. One of the texts suggested getting her family involved was “not a good idea.”

And, of course, he continued to hammer her on Twitter late into the evening.

I am beyond frustrated and I’m writing this blog not to further embarrass or humiliate my child, but to ask other parents out there to join forces and help me find a way to properly address this situation before it gets any worse.

I feel my child needs to learn to fight her own battles, and we sent her to school today telling her to be strong and hold her head up rather than put it down on her desk. We hope, of course, that this will simmer and go away, and that she will be the stronger for it.

But if it doesn’t go away? If there are tears today (when the school theme is “Peace, Love, and Kindness Day,”) you can bet your bottom line, I’m going to declare war.