Real Soccer Moms

“Soccer moms drive minivans . . . but this girl drives a Bentley.”

—Peggy Tanous from the Real Housewives of Orange County, BRAVO TV.

Peggy Tanous, you can kiss my sweet, round soccer ball-shaped ass.

What I mean to say is good for you and your new role as a “Bravolebrity” on BRAVO TV’s Real Housewives of Orange County. I hope you have a lot of fun, make a lot of new friends and have many opportunities to support your darling little daughters. But please, do us ALL a favor—particularly the REAL soccer moms who might tune in to watch you every once in a while—stick to what you know: Namely, your fake blonde hair, your fake big boobs, your babies’ modeling careers, your bullets, your bling, and, of course, your Bentley.

Bravo has cast you as a real housewife and you are a good fit for your region not only due to all of the above, but also because in a series that spans across the country—focusing on Beverly Hills, New York, Atlanta, etc.—you’re one of the few women who actually is a housewife!

The Housewives series has become very popular and many dub the shows a “guilty pleasure.” For me, they’ve been mildly entertaining in the mindless television department that helps put me to sleep at night, and I’ve found that even though I can’t stand most of the women on these shows, I actually like some of them very much. Heck, if they want to put their lives out there for all of us to see and judge, like them or not, you have to admit these women have guts. And I really like that Andy Cohen guy, who regularly interviews all of the housewives on his series, Watch What Happens Live. He tries to make sense of their antics and pokes fun at the same time. Talk about having guts!

Ultimately, I feel many of us watch shows on TV, reality or otherwise, not only to be entertained but also to feel some kind of empathy. We want to relate and, perhaps justify or learn about things going on in our own lives. It occasionally happens for me when watching the housewives, but a lot of it is about competition, gossip, fighting, and bullshit behavior more suited to middle-school girls than middle-aged housewives. So, I mostly sit back in judgment and thank God for my “normal life.”

In my normal life, I am a soccer mom. So this is why this Peggy chick from O.C. struck a nerve from the first minute I heard her make a seemingly derogatory comment about soccer moms. (You can hear her say it too as it’s her defining statement each week in the show’s opening segment).

Listen up Peggy, while you’re freaking out over your daughter’s miniscule cut from a plastic sandwich container and rushing her to the emergency room, each year 220,000 real SOCCER MOMs are dealing with their daughters’ ACL injuries, and facing reconstruction surgery and months of rehab. I happen to be one of them. And I, for one, would appreciate it if you didn’t make sweeping generalizations about ANYTHING having to do with who we are or what we do.

And one more thing, bitch . . . FYI: I don’t drive a minivan. I drive a BENZ.